Just for laughs

Fair warning: There may be rude words or sensitive subjects on this page. If you are under 15 or easily offended, please don't read on!

The following jokes and snippets are here because we all need a laugh sometimes and we have great feedback from members, so we are sharing the jokes you send us here as well as in the newsletter!
We don't mean to cause offence to any individual or group of society.

Fun for the over 60's

posted 12 Aug 2013, 06:50 by Claire Woods

A recent report states that the largest rise in sexually transmitted disease are with senior citizens. It seems very strange however that the ones we speak to appear to have been missing out, and the only older carriers of aids we found were hearing aids; band aids; walking aids; medical aids; government aid and most of all, monetary aid to their offspring's. Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)

Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humour out of life, And pass it on to
other folk.
(Elders' Echo Jul-Aug 2013)

A little bit Naughty

posted 12 Aug 2013, 06:48 by Claire Woods

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

'Doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

‘We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,
'Yes, none of us could get the jar open.'

(Elders' Echo Jul-Aug 2013)

Surprise!

posted 12 Aug 2013, 06:33 by Claire Woods   [ updated 12 Aug 2013, 06:42 ]

A woman went to the doctors office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, so she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

He then marched back down the hallway to where the young doctor was writing his report.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

(Elders' Echo Mar-Apr 2013)

Micro chipped

posted 12 Aug 2013, 06:24 by Claire Woods   [ updated 12 Aug 2013, 06:24 ]

Two young women and a senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna, suddenly there was a beeping sound and one young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly,

“That was my pager" she said, “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained

“That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand”

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said

“Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax""

Got to love the old Gals!!!
(Elders' Echo Jan-Feb 2013)

A Birthday Drink

posted 12 Aug 2013, 06:12 by Claire Woods   [ updated 26 Mar 2014, 04:03 by Glenise Martin ]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender
gives her the drink She says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today' The bartender says,
'Well since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says,
'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, he would like to buy her one. As he gives her the drink, he says,
'I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies,
'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is another issue'
(Elders' Echo Nov-Dec 2012)

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Remember to get your hearing aid tested!

posted 12 Aug 2013, 06:05 by Claire Woods

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied,
‘Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' '
The doctor said,
‘I didn't say that. I said, ‘You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
(Elders' Echo Sept-Oct 2012)

Little Old Ladies!

posted 12 Aug 2013, 06:01 by Claire Woods   [ updated 13 Aug 2013, 04:10 ]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son." He answered,
"That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out,
"Goodbye, Mum." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That will be £121.85," said the checkout girl
"How can it be so much? I only bought 5 items." The girl replied,
"Yes, but your Mother said you‘d be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

Diets

posted 12 Aug 2013, 05:50 by Claire Woods

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."

Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman

posted 12 Aug 2013, 05:04 by Claire Woods

It's 2012 and the Olympics are in London . A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they don't have tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland"  he says, "Discus" and walks in.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder." Waddington-Smith, England " he says, “Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks round and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland  he says, "Fencing."

 -Sorry it's not politically correct but funny.
(Elders' Echo Jul-Aug 2012)

Clear Instructions

posted 12 Aug 2013, 04:57 by Claire Woods

There was a bit of confusion at the supermarket when it was turn for the old fellow to pay for his purchases. The cashier said,

"Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to his M.P about the excessive security, he did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, he found out that she was referring to his credit card. After being asked to shop elsewhere in the future, he suggested that their supermarket needed to make their instructions a little clearer as he had only done as he was asked.

(Elders' Echo May-June 2012)

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